just send me here and ill have noone to disappoint but myself.
all i managed to get done today was binge purge mostly food, some blood.. suffer massive headaches and sharp chest pains, tried to take a nap, mom making too much noise, as fukkin usual, got up, tried to eat normal while my mom just had to make comments on ‘all the popcorn’ i was eating..
here we are again, about to purge. i was worried that i wasnt more worried when i saw the blood. promised this has to stop. then thought of things to do and places to go instead. remembered i have not one dollar left to my name. asshole ex took most of it and the rest i bp’d away. i just got a actual bed 2 weeks ago and havent had decent sleep before then so i never had the energy to go to work, aside from the depression.
so here i am, entirely and completely dependent on the undependable. my mom. i have to ask her for metrocard money, she buys my groceries only to complain about how much space it takes up in the fridge because fruits and veggies take up more than ‘regular’ food. like, really? havent i felt bad enough? now i have no choice. at all. ive lost everything, and i was ready to not look to her anymore for what she never provided, now im completely stuck. in my head, in the kitchen, in this messy apartment where she hoards crap nobody actually needs, and i have no choice. no options. no friends, no social life at all, no outlet, no anything. a lot of my winter clothes were in my ex’s storage too so those are lost. i was supposed to be living on my own on the beach meeting with an art gallerist and signed with a top agency by now. a whole year passed and ive just gotten older and crappier and poorer. i dont know how i got here.
whats worse is i dont know how the hell to get out. or if i even have the energy left to try. everything is just so exhausting. maybe some of us are just made to suffer.
im still stuffing myself with whatever i can find. i dont even like half the crap i just ate. i wanted to feel something. else. even pain, though its physical therefore more controllable. and just like that ill feel nothing again. i hate feeling empty but now that im full i hate that too. i got some wires crossed. ill look at it this way though, instead of counting the days since my last purge this will only be the 2nd one this month! yea im trying to look at the bright side cuz soon ill inevitably embark on the walk of shame down the dark hall and straight to the toilet.
isnt she lovely?
Emotional hunger is not love. It is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness
Robert Firestone, Ph.D
Kate Nash - Little Red
i know it sounds like i blame my family a lot, but its not that i blame them, i just miss them.
like, if the sun went out and my flowers started to die, its not that im blaming the sun, just missing the absolute hell out of its warmth.
and i dont know where to find it. itll be a very sad day when i lose hope and stop looking for it and accept that it just wont shine for me.